Page 1 Page 2 Page 3 Page 4 Page 5 Page 6 Page 7 Page 8 Page 9 Page 10 Page 11 Page 12 Page 13 Page 14 Page 15 Page 16 Page 17 Page 18 Page 19 Page 20 Page 21 Page 22 Page 23 Page 24 Page 25 Page 26 Page 27 Page 28 Page 29 Page 30 Page 31 Page 32 Page 33 Page 34 Page 35 Page 36 Page 37 Page 38 Page 39 Page 40 Page 41 Page 42 Page 43 Page 44 Page 45 Page 46 Page 47 Page 48 Page 49 Page 50 Page 51 Page 52 Page 53 Page 54 Page 55 Page 56 Page 57 Page 58 Page 59 Page 60 Page 61 Page 62 Page 63 Page 64 Page 65 Page 66 Page 67 Page 68 Page 69 Page 70 Page 71 Page 72 Page 73 Page 74 Page 75 Page 76 Page 77 Page 78 Page 79 Page 80 Page 81 Page 82 Page 83 Page 84Plough Quarterly • Spring 2016 77 had given the appearance of being real when it actually was not. So I was somewhat critical, even though in another way I was attracted. I did not want to bind myself to any firm belief or to commit myself. As she entered her twenties, Anni’s discontent and seeking intensified. Diary, November 10, 1929 I would just like to know whether it’s really different for us than for mature people – I mean those people who really stand for something and who don’t simply exist. It must be strange to have a worldview. What does believing and not believing mean anyway? What is religion, and who has it? Where do great people get their beliefs from, their conviction? Have they had an experience of God? Tillich says, “Youth means being gripped by the infinite, and therefore youth is religion.” Who is it that is gripped? We can’t believe anything anymore, because we know too much. Everything has its name and is classified and arranged neatly in its place. Of course, people say that to be eternally seeking and not finding means an incomplete development, but to me it still seems the best option. Who can dare commit herself to a certain course for the whole length of life? Diary, June 28, 1930 This is true objectivity: to be able to conquer your own self enough that you can acknowledge what is right, and then to fight for that with your whole inner arsenal. No one grows through neutrality; the only result is insipidity and nonsensical philosophizing. It just makes you stupid. This type of inner loneliness is the worst thing there is. Sometimes it could kill you. Diary, April 3, 1931 It has been almost a year since I wrote in here. And what has happened since then? Much and nothing. It seems as if the world has come to a standstill for me because of the weakening relationships with those my own age and with other people in general. In spring of 1931, Emi-Margret invited Anni to visit her at the community. Anni processed the experience in a letter to her friend. April 14, 1931 Dear Emi-Margret, It is horribly hard to put things into words, and especially deeply held thoughts. I have a great horror of all emotional outpourings and public displays of the depths of the soul. So to be able to say something like this that is personal and yet objective is not so simple. You may have wondered why I was completely quiet while I was with you all. But you can’t say a lot when something overwhelms you completely. Since the time in my teens when I had a sense of fulfillment from true fellowship between people, I had never again experienced anything like that. That is now quite a number of years ago. There was always a lot of talking and reading and chattering about it, especially at school, but no one believed in it. . . . And in spite of all you told me about your community, I really didn’t believe in it either. You say so simply, “We believe in the message Christ brings of the community of all people in one spirit,” and then you act accordingly. And it is actual and living – there is no discussion or babbling, no senseless phi- losophizing. This made me very happy. Do you understand what I mean? If you don’t believe in anything, it would be terrible to commit yourself to something. Life still wouldn’t have any real significance. You probably thought it was strange that I don’t have any plans for the near future and that I am stepping out into the world in such an indifferent way. What’s the use of further